“It is hard for you to kick against the goads.”
…I journeyed to Damascus with the authority and commission of the chief priests. At midday, O king, I saw on the way a light from heaven, brighter than the sun, that shone around me and those who journeyed with me. And when we had all fallen to the ground, I heard a voice saying to me in the Hebrew language, ‘Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads.’ And I said, ‘Who are you, Lord?’ And the Lord said, ‘I am Jesus whom you are persecuting. But rise and stand upon your feet, for I have appeared to you for this purpose to appoint you as a servant and witness…”
Acts of the Apostle 26: 12-16 (St. Paul’s Defense before King Agrippa)
Today the Church celebrates the Feast of the Conversion of St. Paul, and rightly so since he was the lead apostle of the early Church in bringing The Faith to Gentiles (that’s most of us). I’ve always been intrigued by Saul/Paul’s life, for it is a dramatic testimony of God accomplishing the impossible that he is known to do. Right? St. Paul’s conversion reads like a sci-fi account–blinding light from heaven, the thundering invisible voice, and sudden blindness. But what we know of St. Paul required such a conversion, for he was a man hell-bent on his self-righteous agenda. Saul/Paul’s zeal was matched by no other. Christianity, known as The Way, spread across the Roman Empire like fire across a dry field, and that messed with Saul’s pharisaical convictions. True to his nature; however, his zealous defense of the Jewish Faith to the ‘nth-degree messed Jesus’ system. Jesus had other plans for Saul’s life. And Saul’s zeal was no match for Jesus!
Saul/Paul’s life stands out to me since I, too, am a person known for zealous pursuits. That zeal, some call strong-will, has been displayed by me a bombastic-bull-in-a-china-shop type of pounding the path beneath me as I pursued one of the many points I’ve tried to prove over my lifetime. Not proud moments, to be sure! Thank goodness for Saul/Paul because I’ve learned from how the Holy Spirit transformed him that it is possible for me, too. Though I’ve never been made blind by the literal light of Jesus’ presence before me, I’ve certainly been knocked down off my high-horse time and time again. It wasn’t until I stopped trying to climb back on that horse that the LORD Jesus was able to work with the dust and dirt surrounding me in the fall to bring about the necessary humbling. There is a phrase from St. Paul’s testimony before King Agrippa that echoes how the LORD got my attention after a hard fall because of my disordered pride:
“Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me? It hurts you to kick against the goads.“
I never viewed my zealous point-proving as kicking against any goads. The imagery of a goad, a spiked-stick used for driving cattle, hit my backside in that moment of my fall: It was when the Spirit said to me, “Lois, this isn’t their problem, it’s yours!” that I felt his conviction deep in the hard flesh of my heart! Another realization came over me as well, “Everywhere I go, there I am.” I imagine Saul/Paul must have had been hit with a similar awareness in the dust that day. For Saul/Paul to hear that his actions persecuted the LORD God he was valiantly striving to protect could have been the very thing that blinded him, who knows. It certainly was mind-blowing for me!
Friend, do you kick against the goads, we may kick against the goad differently, but the kicking has the same motivation born from pride, fear, anger–we want to go our own way? Those disordered attitudes and actions kick against the Spirit’s movement in our lives. Over-weaning pride gets me every time and threatens to set me on a path away from the LORD’s desire for me. The Holy Spirit, like the farmer, desires to gently, sometimes dramatically, guide me back, and he’ll do that in countless ways. When I begin to recognize that humility will guide me to abundant life, then I begin to see self-will fall like scales from my life.
Are you tired of kicking against a goad in your pride, fear, or anger? Is there a restlessness hidden beneath those motivations, a restlessness that may knock you off your horse? Can you see how your disordered attachment is persecuting Jesus? Strong words, I know! But I have to endure that kind of blinding realization.
Saul’s eye-opening experience after his blindness took a few days, and he needed his companions to help him back on his horse so that they could lead him to the appointed place of his physical healing from blindness. I believe the Holy Spirit works the same way in us. It takes time and a willingness to be led to our healing; humility is the only remedy. I could recount one by one each of the moments my disordered pride led me off the path of salvation and down the shadowed path of soul-sucking death. I, like Saul, can only answer for myself what Saul asked while he lay there in the dirt, “Who are you, LORD?”. Who is the LORD of my personality, emotions, thoughts, and actions? Only when I answer these questions can I rise and stand on my feet and reach out to the Holy Spirit, to be led into the divine purpose for my life!
LORD Jesus, everywhere we go, there we are. How do YOU feel about how we show up before you? Holy Spirit of God, grant us your perspective on ourselves.
LORD Jesus, we are blinded by the Truth of your Word to us, lead us in the direction you desire to take us? Holy Spirit, lead us even when we’re kicking and screaming against you.
LORD Jesus, we despair, sometimes, at how hard it is to learn from you? Holy Spirit, our times are in your hands. Slow us to your pace.
I ask this in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the beginning, it is now, and ever shall be, world without end!
Amen
The Maiden Warrior 