The Domestic Church: Climbing Lessons for Adolescents

Young people have enough energy to climb tall mountains of faith, hope, and love. If all we offer them are little molehills, they’ll simply go elsewhere for their challenges!
~Paul Lauer

We now examine the last of the Eight Beatitudes, which refers to the blessing of standing firm in the face of opposition to the faith. But before we can address the inevitability of adversity, even persecution, in living a godly and virtuous life, we need to consider ways to nurture a steady and unwavering faith in our children that grows with them, enabling them to tackle life’s twists and turns with unshakable resolve. As journalist Paul Lauer puts it, young people are up to climbing tall mountains as long as they have a purpose larger than existing on a molehill of mediocrity. Our role is to teach them to be secure in who they are, their beliefs, and the world around them, so they know how to climb the right mountains.

It is normal to assume that our children will embrace our religious identity as their own; that is our prayer, right? Still, existential questions that demand answers will inevitably fill their minds when they reach adolescence and adulthood. It is natural for them to question why they are doing what the family has determined they should do. Why do we go to Mass? Why are we Christian? Why do we honor the Lord’s Day? Why don’t we take the Lord’s name in vain? Why is sexual purity essential? Etc. We can guide children in righteousness, but if they have not formed a strong faith identity, they may not be convinced that standing firm for their Christian beliefs in the face of opposition is the right choice.

Integrating human development with spiritual development is hard work! The classic error we make as parents is overlooking our children’s doubts about their emotional or spiritual identity. They will undoubtedly try to find answers elsewhere if we shut down their existential questioning. Answers like, “That’s just what we do” and “It’s just the way it is” are inadequate for children as they develop a mind of their own. We need to be on our toes!

We must guard against punting our children’s doubts to the priest or the catechists, rather than taking the time and effort to help them find their answers. However, spoon-feeding them pat answers that we even have doubts about can force them into outright rebellion. I was 12 years old when I asked my father why we were Christian for the first time. His answer was inadequate: “Don’t ask that, just be glad we are.” That wasn’t what I needed to hear from him at that time. I needed a parent who was open to my doubts and willing to help me answer them.

On the other hand, allowing children to figure life out on their own isn’t a reliable option, since it puts them in the precarious position of bowing to peer and cultural beliefs that counter the abundant life the Lord promises. Active examination and discovery are always the best way to learn. As children mature, we can partner with them to examine life’s big questions from a biblical worldview and discover the best path for their unique personalities together as we answer their questions.

To best be prepared for our expanding task as parent-mentor, a bit of self-examination is necessary: Am I the primary influence in my child’s life? Do I prioritize my child’s emotional and spiritual development? Does my child witness a stable faith identity in me? Does she witness vibrance in my faith and understanding of God’s will for my life? Is our family spiritually engaged? Does our faith in God make a difference in how we order our lives? Does my child know beyond a shadow of doubt that I love and accept them for who they are? How can I improve? What can I do better? When we are open to self-examination, our children are influenced by our strong witness of faith and virtue.

There comes a time in our children’s lives that they ask the big questions about life, faith and existence. In upcoming blogs, we will explore improving our serve as parents of maturing children. Coupled with our fervent prayer for our children, we place ourselves in God’s hands as instruments in God’s sovereignty over our children’s lives. By this, we unite with the Lord to form saints for his glory and their blessing.

He totally emptied himself and did not allow himself to be concerned with
things he knew would never satisfy him. He knew in whose image he had
been made, of what greatness he was capable. ~St. Bernard of Clairvaux
(A comment on teenager St. Pancras and other young martyrs in the fourth century)

Know Thyself

Adolescence is a period of experimenting with unique ways to differentiate oneself from others. It is also the beginning of forming an independent identity apart from parental influence. It is healthy and normal for our children to question, even doubt, some of the beliefs we have tried to instill in them; knowing what we believe and why we believe demands examination. When Socrates instructed, “Know thyself,” he understood the necessity of self-awareness to navigate society, especially a society that forms truth by consensus rather than objective truth. When and how do we successfully prepare our children for this phase of their lives? We begin in early childhood.

It works this way: As we allow our children to experience the effects of disobedience and life’s adversities under our guidance, they become stronger humans. Jenny has been told not to touch the burner, but until she knows from experience that the stove burner is often too hot to touch, she won’t be as cautious near a stove. As hard as it is, we need to allow Jenny the experience of being burned. As Jenny matures, we have told her that lying is a sin against God and others, but until she experiences the effect of lying, she won’t be careful to always speak the truth. It’s up to us to help Jenny face the consequences of sin and hold her accountable for her actions.

As Jenny’s life experiences expand, she starts questioning the Christian worldview, but until other worldviews confront her, she won’t learn how to own and kindly defend her Christian worldview. If Jenny were a bird in the nest, this is where Jenny must learn to fly! And we must be the ones to teach her.

When Jesus told us we are blessed when we are persecuted and reviled, he showed us that life is hard when you don’t live like the majority around you, but it is hard for a reason: the blessing of fortitude and courage. Just as friction is necessary for fire, relational friction is essential for character building.

Jenny the bird needs to face the friction of fear of failure, the adversity of the wind, and the law of gravity before she can be blessed in being what she was created to be. Jenny, the adolescent, needs to face the friction of rejection by others and the adversity of revilement from others so as not to crash and burn in her faith in God. She is blessed with the reward of strong character, which the Lord promises through resilience in the face of opposition.

In subsequent blogs, we will discover ways to unite Jenny’s self-identity with her God-given identity. In the meantime, we have a worksheet to prepare your mind for assisting Jenny as she matures.

Parents, our children must find their way in the world, and we want them to work it through so that their life, faith and journey come from a place of authenticity guided by the Holy Spirit and rooted in truth. It’s rarely a straight line. However, the Holy Spirit’s grace goes before us, walks with us, and follows us always as we faithfully try to raise godly and virtuous children.

~I am a freelance writer. This post first appeared in a periodical.

Three-Minutes of Grace

ON KEEPING THE END IN SIGHT

I die every day!
~1 Corinthians 15:31

If we were to keep the imminence of our death in mind, we would never be overcome by sin: lust, which is fleeting, would not reign over us; we would never harbor anger against another human being; we would not love the possessions which pass away; and we would forgive every person who offended us. Therefore, beloved, let’s be zealous in carrying out the work we have committed ourselves to, and let’s travel to the end on the road which we have begun.
~St. Athanasius

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CONSIDER

St. Paul wrapped up his first letter to the Corinthians by discussing Christ’s power over death and how that granted them resurrection from eternal death. He squeezed a little caveat in there for us to do in response to God’s great benevolence toward us in Christ’s resurrection: we are to die daily. He goes on to say, “Come to your right mind and sin no more” (1 Corinthians 15:34). The rest of the New Testament defines how a “right mind” thinks. St. John puts it this way:

Do not love the world or the things of the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, sensual lust, enticement for the eyes, and a pretentious life is not from the Father but from the world. Yet the world and its enticement are passing away. But whoever does the will of God remains forever.
~1 John 2:16-17

Just think how daily life would be different if we compared everything we did each day to the will of God! We’d throw away our to-do list filled with the empty nothings of our lusts (enticements of the world) and forget about ourselves! That would be a breath of fresh air, wouldn’t it? To consider our lives as sacrifices to the Lord requires coming to our right mind, the God-given one we aren’t accustomed to using. Let’s pray for our priests and diocese that we strive to do the will of God by dying to our will.

PRAY

Lord and Savior of my life, like your friend, Lazarus, you desire to set me free from “death cloths” to know and enjoy the abundance of the good life you give me here and now and in eternity. Please forgive me for displacing my love in this world’s enticements and the pretentious attitude of thinking I deserve them. Holy Spirit, help me always to have an open spirit toward others, not holding on to grievances but praying for their well-being. I choose you as my traveling companion; reach into my heart and mind and toss away anything hindering me from entering eternal life with the LORD! ~Amen

~I am a freelance writer. This post first appeared in a periodical.

The Domestic Church: Teach Your Child How to Be Merciful

Children are more likely to absorb the Beatitudes of merciful and peaceful spirits when we adopt them as attitudes in our own hearts, display them in our actions, and weave them into the fabric of our lives. Jesus taught us, as parents, to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world in our corner of his world. Let’s explore how we can do that more effectively.

Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy …
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God. ~St. Matthew 5:7, 9

Like seeds, we must cultivate mercy and peace by nurturing empathy in our children. It’s probably no surprise that not all children are biddable and selfless. Kindness doesn’t come naturally for all children, but that doesn’t mean a child can’t make it a habit of the heart. Some children seem to thrive on conflict, but that doesn’t mean they can’t learn to be peaceable. So, how do we instill these dispositions of the heart in our children?

Jesus doesn’t give us a list of do’s and don’ts for peace or mercy, but the 100 verses in St. Matthew’s Gospel that follow the Beatitudes Jesus taught on living a virtuous life demonstrate them. Jesus gives this lesson that we can apply to how mercy and peace can transform our children’s lives.

You are the salt of the earth. But if salt loses its taste, with what can it be seasoned? It is no longer good for anything but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. You are the light of the world. A city set on a mountain cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and then put it under a bushel basket; it is set on a lamp stand, where it gives light to all in the house. Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your heavenly Father.
~St. Matthew 5:13-16

Just as salt is meant to season food and light to brighten the darkness, we want to help our children understand that their dispositions of heart can season and brighten their corner of the world. Our children deal with the same unsavory relationships and darkened thinking that we do. We can begin early and often to emphasize the attitudes and actions of mercy and peace.

It is impossible to achieve virtue without love. For each virtue
is made secure through love and humility,
with the aid of experience, time, and grace.
~St. Euthymius

Mercy and Peace

Experience, time and grace are the instruments for teaching our children the value of mercy and peace. Additionally, when combined with our love and humility toward others, we model compassionate behavior toward them. When we demonstrate kindness, empathy and forgiveness in our interactions, they rub off on our children. It’s pretty easy to be merciful to the world’s marginalized peoples; however, Jesus teaches that if we withhold mercy from those closest to us, how can we expect God to be merciful to us?

Let’s bring that closer to home. When we gossip and backbite about extended family members, fellow parishioners, priests, neighbors, work associates, teachers and each other, we are eroding peace and mercy. That rubs off on our children, who will surely imitate our patterns. An excellent Scripture to make our personal and family mantra is:

[Make] the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
~Psalm 19:14

Wouldn’t it be refreshing for our culture to learn how to disagree without angry retaliations? Jesus expects us to lead the way and be the salt and light of virtue, and it is in our homes where we begin to change the world. We want our children to have a spiritual and emotional backbone to get along with everyone, rather than drawing lines in the sand to show who is in and who is out. We have various opportunities for this within our homes. We can help them learn to resolve conflicts with us and their siblings peacefully by discussing their feelings, finding common ground, and working together to compromise. When they reach the age of reason, we can proactively expose them to opposing worldviews to help them develop a robust faith. Working together as a family to learn about the significant differences between people prepares them for encountering opposition. (See links below.)

When we practice active listening by having eye-to-eye conversations with our children, we model how to pay attention to others’ feelings. Validating others’ emotions is an act of mercy in itself. I don’t quite understand what you are saying. Could you tell me more about how you are feeling? What can I do for you? How can I help you? What do you want me to do differently?

We model humility when we apologize and show remorse for any unkind words or insensitive actions we have done to others. We want our children to develop empathy for others; we can engage in “perspective-taking,” where we help them understand how their words and actions affect others. How would you feel if someone took your favorite toy …your place in line …your homework …your friend.

We teach our children how to recognize their actions and how they affect others. Help them learn how to apologize for their actions. Saying sorry isn’t enough most of the time; instead, say, I did wrong to you, and I apologize. Will you forgive me?

There are excellent books and movies with virtuous themes that we can read or watch with our children, pausing to reflect on passages and scenes. Discuss the characters’ actions and how they impacted others, encouraging your children to consider the consequences of their choices, both positive and negative. (See links below.)

Encouraging our family to engage in “I Spy” for virtuous behavior can be a fun competition that motivates us to choose virtue consistently. I noticed how angry you felt when … bless you for controlling your anger toward … So and so mistreated you, but I was glad to see you choose to ignore it, just like Jesus would. The Lord has created you with the unique ability to encourage others; you are like a light in the darkness… I enjoy observing how your zest for life brings happiness to others!

Family prayer

Lord God, your Word tells us that steadfast love and faithfulness meet when we dwell with you. Holy Spirit, would you teach us these virtues? We desire to choose goodness and to be peacemakers in all circumstances. Your love for us amazes us, and your goodness toward us is a blessing. Help us always seek to do good for others.
~Amen
(Adapted Psalm 85:10,12-13)

Resources

How to practice peace and mercy when you disagree with someone:
catholicmom.com/articles/2014/01/28/learning-to-argue-well-and-teaching-our-kids-to-do-the-same

catholictt.org/2021/02/02/teaching-children-conflict-resolution/

Family movie lists:
media.benedictine.edu/movies-for-future-men
media.benedictine.edu/movies-for-future-women

~I am a freelance writer. This post first appeared in a periodical.

Three Minutes of Grace

ON FIREY ORDEALS

Beloved, do not be surprised that [the fiery ordeal comes upon you] as if something strange were happening to you. But rejoice to the extent that you share in the sufferings of Christ, so that when his glory is revealed, you may also rejoice exultantly… As a result, those who suffer in accord with God’s will hand their souls over to a faithful creator as they do good. ~1 Peter 4:12-13;19

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CONSIDER

You have probably noted how often the writers of the Epistles begin their instructions and encouragements to believers as “beloved.” Could it be that they knew how much we needed to be reminded of our identity before considering what the Holy Spirit inspired them to say? The word “therefore” also pops up frequently and is usually a connecting word between a declaration and a behavior or mindset. Keep this in mind as we consider St. Peter’s words.

Suffering, or as described here as fiery ordeals, often comes as a surprise to us; truth be told, it’s because we don’t think we deserve any fiery ordeals. Here, St. Peter is telling us life is difficult, so rather than be surprised by it, change your perspective on it and consider the extent Christ went to in his suffering just for you. Stranger things happened to Christ than what we will ever have to endure. Christ suffered unimaginably for being the perfect Son of God; he did not deserve it! His fiery ordeal included open hostility against him, unfounded suspicions about him, mocking of his words, ridicule of his behavior, belittling his existence, and outright rejection! And that was BEFORE his arrest, trial before a kangaroo court, and his subsequent scourging, conviction, and crucifixion! So, let’s think again about the complaining and murmuring we do.

Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
~St. James 1:2-3

Now, with that all in mind, beloved of God, the ones Christ suffered for, we are, therefore, to rejoice in our fiery ordeals. Rejoicing means we return to or remember who our joy is as we endure, taking in stride (alongside Jesus) our fiery trials. And St. James writes that fiery ordeals produce perseverance. When we remember who our joy is in the middle of a challenge, we are learning perseverance, and that’s a great thing to rejoice over!

A constant fidelity in small things
is a great and heroic virtue.
~St. Bonaventure

PRAY

Let’s pray for ourselves that we will persevere in all the minor and major inconveniences, interruptions, and frustrations and become the virtuous humans God has created us to be.

Lord Jesus, I can magnify fiery ordeals so much that they steal my joy; I am sorry. Holy Spirit, would you help me return to the joy of my salvation? Jesus, Help me to consider all undesirable circumstances as opportunities to unite with you. ~Amen

~I am a freelance writer. This post first appeared in a periodical.

The Domestic Church: Teach Your Child How to Live in Peace

The first two Beatitudes we discussed focus on the personal attitudes of those poor in spirit and those who mourn. This month’s Beatitude shifts our focus to the interpersonal attitude of a merciful spirit toward others—the gentle disposition of heart that motivates one to relate to others kindly, with humility and consideration. Meek does not equate to weak; far from it! The biblical understanding of meekness is strength under control. The example of Jesus is that he never wavered on truth and goodwill in his relationship with humanity, even when he had every right to in our way of thinking.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
~St. Matthew 5:5

One of the areas where a merciful spirit is most needed is in our differences with others. The environment of our homes is like an incubator for virtue or vice. Our children will model our behaviors; therefore, we must learn to be meek. We will consider how we can do that to help our children be meek. One version of the Bible expands on St. Matthew 5:5 this way: “Blessed [inwardly peaceful, spiritually secure, worthy of respect] are the gentle [the kind-hearted, the sweet-spirited, the self-controlled], for they will inherit the earth” (Amplified Modern Version). Let’s examine how we can train our children in meekness (gentleness and humility).

The Blessing of Reverence for the Lord

[Reverence for] the Lord is training for wisdom, and humility goes before honors.
~Proverbs 15:33

Reverence for the Lord often reads “fear of the Lord” in Sacred Scripture; the word “fear” causes some confusion when we don’t understand it according to the intention of the Hebrew language. Reverence comes much closer to its meaning. Reverence is the humble disposition of the heart toward the Lord and others. When we revere the Lord, we recognize our humble position before his sovereignty. When we revere others, we treat them with respect; this leads to inheriting the land, read: peace within our borders.

Do our children know how to revere the Lord and others? Do we teach them to be respectful when we enter our parish to worship in the Mass by quieting themselves, paying attention and participating in the responses of our worship? Do we model reverence for others? If we do, we teach them to be meek and humble.

The Blessing of Submission

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.
~St. Matthew 11:29-30

Jesus used the metaphor of a yoke that joined two oxen together to make the burden lighter for the oxen; they shared their load as a team. Here’s the thing: the oxen must submit to the yoke before they find relief from the burden of pulling the cart alone. Submission to our Lord’s will (yoke) is at the heart of all the blessings and promises throughout Sacred Scripture.

St. Paul learned to submit to the yoke the hard way! What we know of St. Paul is that he was a zealous and vengeful man before the Lord knocked him off his high horse. That encounter was a threshold to one humbling encounter after another.

We can sometimes observe Paul’s character before he was knocked off his high-horse in ourselves and our children when we are determined to stay on our high horse. Children can be loud with their objections to the yoke of humility or stubbornly quiet in their resistance; either way, there is a hardness, intransigence, or anger the Holy Spirit desires to tame.

Our children need the yoke of discipline because they need to learn that the world does not revolve around them. The blessing of discipline is that they learn to be humble, gentle, patient and forbearing, which leads to true and lasting peace from the Lord. Oh, friends, more than ever, it seems, our children need peace; the home is the surest place for them to receive it. How are we doing?

The Blessing of Accountability and Cooperation

However bad the situation you encounter may be, don’t become agitated and angry, for that will just make things worse. ~Father Jacques Philippe

Of course, we do not want to force our children into meekness by humiliating them. A humble heart is formed not by shaming or embarrassing our children but by allowing them to experience the consequences of their words and actions. We all can recall moments when a conflict arises in the home, and just when you think things are settling down, someone has to have the last word! Then, we are forced back on the hamster wheel of conflict. There is a better way.

We can seize the opportunity to discuss the injustice a child feels and guide them to respond with gentle honesty rather than react with irritation and resentment. But this takes our time and attention! First, to calm the room; second, to provide time alone for a child to think about their actions; and finally, to bring the family back together for a peaceful solution.

When our children know we will hold them accountable until they have worked together to resolve their dispute, they learn to calm themselves and become more cooperative in conflict. Whatever method you use for resolving conflict in your home, over time and with consistency, we can slowly shift the paradigm of our family life from bickering chaos to (somewhat) peaceful relationships as our children learn to be meek and humble of heart.

The Fruit of Meekness

Jesus taught that the meek would inherit the earth. What was he getting at? The culture teaches that aggressive, even harsh behavior will dominate the earth. The upside-down, right-side-up truth of the kingdom of God teaches that the humble will inherit the earth. Jesus referred to the theme in Psalm 37: the humble will inherit the blessing and peace of God in the “promised land” if, when we are wronged, we don’t take revenge but trust in God’s justice and mercy.

So, how do we nurture our children to be kindhearted, sweet-spirited and self-controlled? We choose influences that lead to a virtuous life by selecting activities that promote cooperation and problem-solving. Search the internet for “games that teach cooperation,” and you’ll find plenty of suggestions for all age groups. Playing cooperative games instills empathy for others, which is at the heart of meekness.

Meekness is a virtue that requires experience and maturity to develop in all of us. When we start attending to this when our children are young, the Holy Spirit will come alongside us with insight and discernment on how best to apply it to our children’s different personalities as they mature.

Lord Jesus, you said, “Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.” Help me to model strength under control before my children. Tame any ruthlessness I display toward others. Grant me a spirit of humility that strives for goodwill toward others and the discipline to consider others’ feelings in any disagreement.
~Amen

Ideas:
Teach older children how to care for younger children and rely on them to help you prepare to go places together.

Spend more time together as a family, participating in the community activities around you.

Play cooperative games like three-legged races or partner children together to navigate an obstacle course (for older children, blindfold one partner).

Build something together: block towers, legos, model sets or hobby projects.

~I am a freelance writer. This post first appeared in a periodical.

The Way of the Cross

They (the soldiers who had mocked, beaten, and humiliated Jesus) pressed into service a passer-by, Simon, a Cyrenian, who was coming in from the country, the father of Alexander and Rufus, to carry his cross.
~St. Mark 15:21

CONSIDER

Today, we are invited to enter the profundity of all ages–Holy Week. The excruciating events of this week grant us the most extraordinary depth of insight into Jesus’ heart. It is incumbent on our faith in God to enter this week with humility and thanksgiving, for in this week, we see in stark detail what Love beckons us to become.

Jesus taught his disciples that if they wanted to follow him, they must take up their cross (Matthew 10:28). And St. Paul reminded the believers in the Early Church that we complete Christ’s sufferings through our willingness to suffer as Christ suffered (Colossians 1:24). The economy of Salvation stupifies me sometimes—no, much of the time! We gain when we lose, live when we die, and are exalted only through humility.

Let’s keep that in mind as we consider Simon of Cyrene, who physically entered Christ’s suffering by carrying his cross for him. St. Luke observes that after laying the cross on [Simon], they made him carry it behind Jesus. Interesting point. Don’t you want to know what may have run through his mind as he followed the God-man, beaten beyond recognition, stumbling along before him? We do know this: the way (attitude) Simon carried Christ’s Cross changed the trajectory of his life, much in the way the Lord wants to transform our lives. (St. Simon spread The Gospel in northern Africa; he was eventually martyred for his faith in Christ around 100 A.D. His sons, Alexander and Rufus, were among the first believers in the Early Church in Rome. Because of the influence of St. Simon of Cyrene, we can assume The Church was graced with Tertullian, St. Augustine, St. Cyprian, and St. Monica from northern Africa)

If we genuinely desire to follow Christ to eternal life, we must first walk The Way of The Cross. But how exactly do we do that? Jesus told his disciples that he was the Good Shepherd who laid down his life for his sheep. The Greek meaning here is that Christ laid down his life, soul, heart, and mind. He calls us to do the same; how are we doing? Do we lay down our thoughts and words? Do we lay down our desires? How often do our tongues complain when a circumstance or someone messes with our plans? How often do we complain to others about someone who has offended us? How frequently do our minds refuse another’s need because it will cause us discomfort?

Isaiah prophesied that Jesus would be like a lamb, led to slaughter. Have you ever observed lambs? They just follow the sheep who follow the shepherd. Hmm? What if Simon complained and blamed Christ as he bore his burden to The Cross? What would have happened to Alexander and Rufus if Simon had complained about his burden of following Christ to his Cross? What happens in us when we spur suffering as if we don’t deserve it? How are the observers of our lives affected by our attitudes in the face of unwelcomed interruptions?

Every bit of inconvenience, interruption, and disruption is God’s will for us in that moment where we have the choice to lay down our life, soul, heart, and mind. Although minor inconveniences have little consequence, they provide practice in laying down our lives with an attitude of thanksgiving. When the consequential sufferings of our lives come along, we recognize them as the call of Christ to complete his suffering by carrying our cross in what he has allowed in our lives.
Christ went to the Cross to save us from the immense sufferings of sin and death. He allows whatever temporal sufferings–the diagnosis, the betrayal, the tragedy, the loss–to save us from ourselves along the way. He saves us in the circumstances, and our mind, body, and soul will be transformed into his likeness! That is the way of The Cross.

PRAY

Shepherd of my heart and Savior of my life, I exalt you; my soul magnifies you! Yet I so quickly magnify my molehills into mountains when something comes along to mess with my control. Please forgive me for my pride, fear, and self-absorption. You created me in your image; it takes a lifetime of surrendering my will to you. Why do I delay it by resisting Your will for me in each circumstance? Why do I doubt your everlasting love for me? You will never lead me where you do not want me to go, but sometimes I do. Lead me back to the Way of the Cross, the path of my salvation. ~Amen

The Domestic Church: How to Prepare Your Child for Eternity

St. Benedict encouraged in his book “The Rule of St. Benedict,” written around 530 A.D., “to keep death before [our] eyes daily” and “to keep constant watch over [our] actions.” The saint touched on something we do well to remember in 2025 A.D.: We prepare for the inevitability of death as we live. This month, we will consider how best to orient our children and grandchildren to the four last things. As Catholics, we are encouraged to prepare for death, purgatory, heaven and hell. It almost goes without saying that from the inception of this monthly column, we have offered counsel that prepares our children for their entrance into eternity; we will not repeat all that here. Let us dig a bit deeper into this subject and learn ways to improve in our noble profession as parents and grandparents.

“[Parenting] is a noble profession that shapes the character, intellect, and souls of the future generations.”

~St. Elizabeth Ann Seton

Knowing where we came from and what we are here for makes it easier to understand where we are going. The best way, it seems, is to prepare our children for their destination by training them to navigate the “first thing”: knowing the breadth, depth and height of the love of the one for whom they exist. We want to teach them that God’s unfailing love breaks through every border in our lives, and he desires that we live like that! We must teach our children to live purposefully, mindful that the borders of this life are not dead ends; there is always so much more to learn about how God loves us! Living a spiritual life is not a burden but a joyous journey filled with the love of God.

How can we guide our children to lead beautiful lives with Our Lord?

We want to acquaint our children with God’s justice, which is love and mercy. The parables Jesus taught were built upon this truth, the prodigal son (Lk 15) being the most well-known. We can use this parable to expose our children to God’s lavish love for them, just like the father in the parable. The parable displays love and mercy in spades! It also exemplifies the need for forgiveness in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. When we make confession a family practice, we provide opportunities for our children to experience God’s love and mercy. This regular practice not only reassures them of God’s forgiveness but also guides them in understanding purgatory, as the sacrament grants us the grace to purge everything that will not be welcomed in heaven if we turn from the wrongdoing that got us there in the first place and live out our absolution on purpose.

On the way to confession, we can remind them that we practice regular confession to be godly humans and prepare ourselves for God’s beautiful future for each of us. This regular practice of confession is a source of reassurance and guidance for our children, helping them understand and accept God’s forgiveness.

We can also lovingly hold our children accountable and help them train their spiritual muscles in obedience. Son, I know you asked Jesus to forgive you for; how can I help you become a better human and guide you when you struggle with? It is better to help our children nip vice and wrongdoing in the bud before it becomes habitual, leading to sin that separates them from God’s beautiful desire for their lives. We also instill an understanding of the purpose of purgatory when we regularly help them (and ourselves) purge sin from their lives through the sacrament. Better now than later.

How do we teach our children about sin and its effects on our lives and future?

We want our children to know the difference between committed sins and omitted acts of obedience, and this will help them recognize that we are accountable for the wrong we choose to do and the right we do not decide to do. St. James admonishes, “So for one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, it is a sin” (4:17).

The parable of the 10 virgins and the parable of the talents (St. Matthew 25) can help them recognize we are accountable to God and others for our actions. (As a reminder, always try to follow up what you read to them with the five W’s–who, what, when, where, why–to engage their minds and trigger responsive behavior.) The parables and teachings of Jesus convey that disobedience to our Lord includes the choices we make not to do the right thing. Understanding sin and accountability enlightens our children and empowers them to make responsible choices in their spiritual journey.

Think of what is above, not of what is on earth. … your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ your life appears, then you too will appear with him in glory. ~Colossians 3:2-4

How do we teach our children to fix their minds on our Lord?

The beautiful life God wants to give us here and now and in eternity depends upon our responses to him in the way we think and the choices we make that reciprocate our love for him. Therefore, we want to help our children kindle to Jesus’ heart and choose virtuous living out of a deep passion for God, not just fear of hell. Thomas à Kempis wrote the spiritual classic “The Imitation of Christ,” the go-to book for learning to love the Lord our God in thought, word and deed. His life-changing counsel acts as a guidance counselor on fixing our minds on Christ and his example.

The more integrated and uncomplicated one is, the more effortless and astute one will be in their understanding because they will be enlightened from above. … A person who wishes to be good and devout first puts their interior life in order and then attends to his other duties. ~Thomas à Kempis

Friends, when we make goodness and devotion to our Lord the priority of our noble profession, his Holy Spirit imbues us with the fortitude to stay at our post. Above and beyond all these suggestions on preparing for the four last things is praying hedges of protection around our children as we nurture them in the faith. The most effective tool is the Sacred Scriptures, for God’s Word is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing the heart and accomplishing his desire (Hebrews 4:12; Isaiah 55:11).

Resources:
Bible story books for children from Arch Books, appropriate for ages 5-9. (The first four parents to request a Family Prayer Guide at standinthegap.sfdiocese@gmail.com will receive a Bible parable storybook free upon request in gratitude to you for praying for your family.)

“The Imitation of Christ for Children: A Guide to Following Jesus” by Elizabeth Ficocelli.

Allegories are also a good tool for teaching spiritual truths in story form. We highly recommend these read-aloud books for children age 9+:

“Hinds Feet in High Places” by Hannah Hurnard.

“Pilgrims Progress” by John Bunyan

“Lord of the Rings” by J.R.R. Tolkien

“The Chronicles of Narnia” by C.S. Lewis

Dante Alighieri’s “Inferno” as told for young people by Joseph Tusiani (12+)

~I am a freelance writer. This post first appeared in a periodical.

Three Minutes of Grace

BEHOLD!

The essence of the Christian message is not ‘Behave!’ but ‘Behold!’
~Jared C. Wilson

Behold, I make all things new.
~Revelation 21:5

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CONSIDER

Behold or a variation of the word appears about 1,500 times in the Old Testament and 200 times in the New Testament, depending on the translation of the Scriptures. Instead of the word behold, it is often translated as see or look and carries a sense of captivation. One commentary reads, “When you behold something, you see it with your eyes, but you also hold your gaze on it to search and understand.” The word behold is often paired with an exclamation mark—the grammatical equivalent of a slap in the face. We frequently need that, don’t we?

For instance, upon seeing the Burning Bush, Moses said, “I must turn aside to look at this remarkable sight” (Exodus 3:3). He didn’t just glance at it; he stopped in his tracks, pondered it, and examined it. It was strange enough to witness spontaneous combustion, but what seized Moses’ attention was what happened after he turned aside from the path he was on. “When the Lord saw that he had turned aside to look, God called out to him from the bush: Moses! Moses! He answered, ‘Here I am’” (v.4). Apparently, the Lord waits for us to notice his presence. That begs the question: What am I missing from the Lord when I obsess about my agendas? What would he want to say to me if I paused and considered my life from his perspective? As far as Moses is concerned, his response to the Lord that day changed the trajectory of the Israelite nation. What do you suppose the Lord has in store for you this day if you turn aside from your schedule and behold him?

PRAY

Lord God, my mind can be captivated by so many distractions, but I choose to acknowledge your presence in all the circumstances of my life today by beholding the truth of your Word. Captivate my heart with your mercy. Show me the way of sincerity that opens my heart to receive your wisdom. I am grateful that you are the Guardian of my life. I need not worry about stuff because you have taken care of it. You are my salvation; I entrust my responsibilities and their outcomes to your goodwill. Save me from fear and doubt that you won’t come through for me. Your hand is never shortened, that it cannot save me from my errors; nor is your ear dull, that you cannot hear me when I call. Lead me with your strong hand in the way I should go. I trust you to enable me to correct my past errors and to grant me discernment to recognize the new behavior I need. Behold, you do make all things new!

~Amen

~I am a freelance writer. This post first appeared in a periodical.

The Domestic Church: Teach Your Child How to Mourn

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

We usually think of death when we hear the word mourn, but there are significant losses in life, such as divorce, that we mourn. To mourn is to feel deep sorrow or regret, which we can also experience with other losses. The virtue of fortitude in facing loss is not something we witness very much. We tend to short-shrift mourning to a set time and place and become uncomfortable about grieving outside the prescribed boundaries. That’s just not healthy!

There is a time for sadness, and it can be good for us; Jesus tells us that in what is referred to as the Sermon on the Mount. We need more space for mourning divorce and death instead of shoving our broken spirits under the proverbial rug. How can we do that for our children? How can we help them through mourning into the comfort the Lord promises for us?

This month, we will explore practical ways to help our children navigate some of the most complex emotions they will ever have. Next month, we will discuss the four last things: death, judgment, heaven, and hell, and how we can acquaint our children with the reality of dying and death.

When we are in sorrow, it can reveal the deep love of our Lord for us when we recognize that suffering strengthens faith, hope, and love in us.

The most important thing to remember is that children grieve deeply those closest to them, but their tender hearts can also mourn for others’ suffering. It is vital to build an atmosphere in our homes where our children feel safe with their emotions and can be honest about their feelings; they learn best from how we handle grief in divorce, death and loss.

Regardless of age, children have questions about loss and the suffering it causes them; ask them about their questions. If you don’t have an answer, explore suffering with your priest together (more about this next month). Sometimes, children will feel that accidents, divorce and death are somehow their fault. You can help them by talking about your feelings of fault in those circumstances that have caused the suffering.

Encourage them to talk to Jesus about the suffering they are going through. It is of eternal importance that we acknowledge our Lord’s suffering and that he is acquainted with our grief. Remind them that Jesus was “spurned and avoided by men, a man of suffering, knowing pain … Yet it was our pain that he bore, our sufferings he endured” (Isaiah 53:3a, 4a). Talk about Jesus mourning over his friend, Lazarus (St. John 11:1-34-3), and ask them about their own feelings at seeing their loved one depart or die.

Remind them of our Blessed Mother’s suffering in St. Luke 2:22-38 and St. John 19. Talk about the feelings Jesus and Mary must have felt while they suffered. Assure them that the Lord understands their fear, and they can express their doubts about his love and care for them as they mourn.

Prudently talk about the realities of a loved one’s last days of suffering or the circumstance that took a loved one away from them (death or divorce). Their imaginations can cause all sorts of feelings, so make sure you are the one to attend to them when they do. If they are mourning the absence of their mother or father due to separation and divorce, guard your tongue! Too often, the suffering children endure because of divorce can be underestimated by the parent who is listening to them if feelings of bitterness or anger are harbored against the other parent.

Grieving can come in fits and starts. One minute, your child may seem to be adjusting to their loss, the next, they may be in tears or acting out in anger when they see something that reminds them of their loved one. In fact, it is much easier for a child to act on their feelings rather than talk about them—we know this, don’t we? There really are no words adequate to express the raw emotions death and loss cause.

If possible, visit the cemetery where the loved one is in repose. Some children benefit from taking a remembrance item to place on the grave; allowing them to decide on the item provides a sense of empowerment for them. Writing letters or drawing pictures to give to a loved one is healing for any age person, but especially for children. It is helpful to your children when you express your sadness and pray with the Lord about it in their hearing; this encourages them to talk to the Lord when they are overcome with emotions.

Help your children understand that a cemetery is sacred ground by praying before you leave your car for all those who have died that their souls would be welcomed into the light of God’s eternal presence. Reverently walk through the cemetery, avoiding walking on graves.

Expressing suffering through artwork can help many children who can’t put the complexity of emotions, including guilt, shame, regret and anger, into words. Have your child describe what is happening in their artwork and refrain from negative feedback about the emotions. Acknowledge the feelings and express how you feel what they are feeling.

Creating a memorial place in your home for a deceased loved one is an ancient practice that would be helpful for us to do when we have suffered a death. The space can be used for prayers for those you mourn and anyone close to them, and it can help normalize feelings. Explain to your children that strong feelings are part of grief, that they can come and go for a long time, and that you will keep the memorial there as long as they need it. The memorial can be used as a sacred space for prayer and the sharing of memories for you with your children.

Lord Jesus, I am so sad; I miss [loved one] so much that it hurts awful. I know that you hurt really bad when your family and friends suffered, too, so would you wrap your arms around me and listen to me when I cry?

I am angry at you, Lord Jesus, why did you let [loved one] die? Don’t you know how much I miss [loved one]? Help me not to be so lonely for [loved one], and help me to forgive you for allowing [loved one] to die.

I feel like it was my fault that they (loved one) left/died, and I wish I could bring them back! I don’t know what to do with my feelings! Do you feel what I am feeling?

These fears need to be prayed for the sake of voicing them; don’t interject how you think they should feel about their worries. The Holy Spirit is the Wonderful Counselor; allow your children the freedom to pray in their raw emotions. He, in his way, will counsel their hearts according to their most profound need.

St. John Henry Newman wrote a beautiful prayer worth considering as a bedtime prayer for your family; it subtly acquaints them with the understanding of a “holy rest” that awaits us all.

O Lord, support us all the day long till the shadows lengthen and the evening comes and the busy world is hushed and the fever of life is over and our work is done. Then in your mercy, grant us a safe lodging and a holy rest and peace at the last.

~Amen

~I am a freelance writer. This post first appeared in a periodical.