Pray It Forward: The Virtue of Temperance

Temperance, otherwise known as moderation or self-restraint, is often relegated to the appetite, but it’s a necessary virtue for all our actions, thoughts, and feelings. One of the definitions of temperance is to know a calmness of mind, so this month, we will explore how to train our children to gain and maintain calmness of mind. St. Agustine defined virtue as “rightly ordered loves.” Aristotle said virtue is, in the mean, the middle between two extremes: excess and deficiency. Developing calmness of mind in our actions, thoughts, and feelings requires vigilance in reordering our loves; our children rely on us to model this before them.

The intemperate child struggles to restrain their passions; if you have passionate children who struggle to restrain their tongue, control their emotions, overcommit, and go to extremes in their pursuits and expectations of themselves and others, they need to be strengthened to moderate their motives and calm their minds. They tend to be high achievers who find it impossible to let themselves off the proverbial hook of their expectations. Passion is a beautiful strength, but as in all strengths, there’s an underbelly–a disordered passion that gives rise to disordered thinking and behavior. Consider the Holy Spirit’s counsel to us in the letter of St. James (4:1): “Where do the wars and where do the conflicts among you come? Is it not from your passions that make war within your members?” Unbridled passion becomes vice when it conflicts with others, eroding goodwill. That’s easy enough to recognize in our children’s conflicts with us and their siblings, but let’s take it further. James refers to the war among your members because he wrote to fellow believers. However, look at it this way: we as individuals have interior “members’ that war with each other: mind, body, and spirit.  St. Paul put that war in this way: “…take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged [with untamed] behavior.” (KJV I Cor. 10:12) Let the taming begin!

Inordinate love of the flesh is cruelty because, under the appearance of pleasing the body, we kill the soul. ~St. Bernard of Clairvaux

Self-discipline is especially difficult for intemperate children because their passion drives them; this may manifest in impetuous behavior. “Take a beat” may be an excellent cue to use with your impetuous child. Learning to slow down their reaction time by teaching them to wait to speak or do whatever has gotten into their head is good practice for them.  You can train them to moderate in that beat by asking provocative questions while reinforcing their passion and teaching them to be circumspect. I know how exciting it seems to you to do … let’s think about it for a few hours/days and talk to the Lord about your heart’s desire.  What do you hope to learn from your desire? Are you ready to commit to the responsibilities the desire requires? Do you want to spend your money on this desire, or do you want to keep saving it…? Do you want to eat it all now, or do you want to save some to enjoy later?

Tame the Thoughts

Learning to recognize negative thought patterns and restrain extreme emotional responses is a lifelong challenge for all of us. The thought pattern most likely manifested in our childhood, but we may not trained to recognize our emotions were out of control. Children susceptible to fear or anger are susceptible to irrationality. We can help them moderate the irrationality by teaching them to face the fear or anger and learn to cope with it. Through consistent reflective exposure to their fear or anger, we will help them self-moderate. You may want to relate your own stories of struggle and how the Lord helped you through it. There is nowhere you can go or nothing that can happen to you that our Lord doesn’t know about before you do. Isn’t that comforting? Let’s talk about this fear/anger. What made you afraid/angry? What do you think will happen because of this fear/anger? What do you need from Jesus most to help you with this circumstance? 

Tame the Feelings

A highly sensitive child is more sensitive to outside influences and is easily overcome by intense emotions and overwhelming responses to those emotions. We can recognize this in their inability to control their emotions, which drives them to overreact–physical or verbal reactions with others or within themselves.  They need firm boundaries that are secure as they experience their feelings. Rather than blaming their sensitivity for their physical and verbal reactions or sending them into isolation when their emotions flare, we must help them face what they have done to others or themselves during their response. I understand you are frustrated; let’s talk about how you feel. Why do you feel this way? How do you think so-and-so feels when you act like that toward them? This is an excellent time to remind our children what the gifts of the Holy Spirit and the fruits of virtue are by comparing their chosen behavior with the attributes that will strengthen them. The Lord has given you a passionate spirit, and we desire that you learn to discern if your strong desire has tempted you to forget how so-and-so may feel when you don’t control your [anger, frustration, sadness, impatience] towards them.