“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
We usually think of death when we hear the word mourn, but there are significant losses in life, such as divorce, that we mourn. To mourn is to feel deep sorrow or regret, which we can also experience with other losses. The virtue of fortitude in facing loss is not something we witness very much. We tend to short-shrift mourning to a set time and place and become uncomfortable about grieving outside the prescribed boundaries. That’s just not healthy!
There is a time for sadness, and it can be good for us; Jesus tells us that in what is referred to as the Sermon on the Mount. We need more space for mourning divorce and death instead of shoving our broken spirits under the proverbial rug. How can we do that for our children? How can we help them through mourning into the comfort the Lord promises for us?
This month, we will explore practical ways to help our children navigate some of the most complex emotions they will ever have. Next month, we will discuss the four last things: death, judgment, heaven, and hell, and how we can acquaint our children with the reality of dying and death.
When we are in sorrow, it can reveal the deep love of our Lord for us when we recognize that suffering strengthens faith, hope, and love in us.
The most important thing to remember is that children grieve deeply those closest to them, but their tender hearts can also mourn for others’ suffering. It is vital to build an atmosphere in our homes where our children feel safe with their emotions and can be honest about their feelings; they learn best from how we handle grief in divorce, death and loss.
Regardless of age, children have questions about loss and the suffering it causes them; ask them about their questions. If you don’t have an answer, explore suffering with your priest together (more about this next month). Sometimes, children will feel that accidents, divorce and death are somehow their fault. You can help them by talking about your feelings of fault in those circumstances that have caused the suffering.
Encourage them to talk to Jesus about the suffering they are going through. It is of eternal importance that we acknowledge our Lord’s suffering and that he is acquainted with our grief. Remind them that Jesus was “spurned and avoided by men, a man of suffering, knowing pain … Yet it was our pain that he bore, our sufferings he endured” (Isaiah 53:3a, 4a). Talk about Jesus mourning over his friend, Lazarus (St. John 11:1-34-3), and ask them about their own feelings at seeing their loved one depart or die.
Remind them of our Blessed Mother’s suffering in St. Luke 2:22-38 and St. John 19. Talk about the feelings Jesus and Mary must have felt while they suffered. Assure them that the Lord understands their fear, and they can express their doubts about his love and care for them as they mourn.
Prudently talk about the realities of a loved one’s last days of suffering or the circumstance that took a loved one away from them (death or divorce). Their imaginations can cause all sorts of feelings, so make sure you are the one to attend to them when they do. If they are mourning the absence of their mother or father due to separation and divorce, guard your tongue! Too often, the suffering children endure because of divorce can be underestimated by the parent who is listening to them if feelings of bitterness or anger are harbored against the other parent.
Grieving can come in fits and starts. One minute, your child may seem to be adjusting to their loss, the next, they may be in tears or acting out in anger when they see something that reminds them of their loved one. In fact, it is much easier for a child to act on their feelings rather than talk about them—we know this, don’t we? There really are no words adequate to express the raw emotions death and loss cause.
If possible, visit the cemetery where the loved one is in repose. Some children benefit from taking a remembrance item to place on the grave; allowing them to decide on the item provides a sense of empowerment for them. Writing letters or drawing pictures to give to a loved one is healing for any age person, but especially for children. It is helpful to your children when you express your sadness and pray with the Lord about it in their hearing; this encourages them to talk to the Lord when they are overcome with emotions.
Help your children understand that a cemetery is sacred ground by praying before you leave your car for all those who have died that their souls would be welcomed into the light of God’s eternal presence. Reverently walk through the cemetery, avoiding walking on graves.
Expressing suffering through artwork can help many children who can’t put the complexity of emotions, including guilt, shame, regret and anger, into words. Have your child describe what is happening in their artwork and refrain from negative feedback about the emotions. Acknowledge the feelings and express how you feel what they are feeling.
Creating a memorial place in your home for a deceased loved one is an ancient practice that would be helpful for us to do when we have suffered a death. The space can be used for prayers for those you mourn and anyone close to them, and it can help normalize feelings. Explain to your children that strong feelings are part of grief, that they can come and go for a long time, and that you will keep the memorial there as long as they need it. The memorial can be used as a sacred space for prayer and the sharing of memories for you with your children.
Lord Jesus, I am so sad; I miss [loved one] so much that it hurts awful. I know that you hurt really bad when your family and friends suffered, too, so would you wrap your arms around me and listen to me when I cry?
I am angry at you, Lord Jesus, why did you let [loved one] die? Don’t you know how much I miss [loved one]? Help me not to be so lonely for [loved one], and help me to forgive you for allowing [loved one] to die.
I feel like it was my fault that they (loved one) left/died, and I wish I could bring them back! I don’t know what to do with my feelings! Do you feel what I am feeling?
These fears need to be prayed for the sake of voicing them; don’t interject how you think they should feel about their worries. The Holy Spirit is the Wonderful Counselor; allow your children the freedom to pray in their raw emotions. He, in his way, will counsel their hearts according to their most profound need.
St. John Henry Newman wrote a beautiful prayer worth considering as a bedtime prayer for your family; it subtly acquaints them with the understanding of a “holy rest” that awaits us all.
O Lord, support us all the day long till the shadows lengthen and the evening comes and the busy world is hushed and the fever of life is over and our work is done. Then in your mercy, grant us a safe lodging and a holy rest and peace at the last.
~Amen
~I am a freelance writer. This post first appeared in a periodical.
The Maiden Warrior 