Category: Climbing Lessons For Adolescents

In the preceding blog, we started our exploration of the interior and exterior challenges that our adolescent and young adult children inevitably face as they mature. During these years, our responsibility as primary influencers in their lives becomes a priority of the highest order, more significant than we could have ever imagined when they were younger. Why is that? As our children’s personalities mature, they discover they have free will, which, combined with hormonal and social factors, takes center stage.

Our parenting requires a fair amount of psychological understanding and a bit more latitude as their world expands. Therefore, we often find ourselves feeling inadequate, even fearful. We remain on the stage as primary actors, but it gets a bit crowded. Now is not the time to exit the stage out of fear, pretending they will just grow out of it or that the choices they make don’t matter much in the long run.

As parents, our relationship with God, our prayer and our attention to the counsel in Sacred Scripture are foundational. They equip us with the courage and strength needed to navigate the challenges of parenting. When our adolescents witness the integrity of our faith in the way we live, it prepares the soil of their hearts and minds for the philosophical truths of our Catholic faith. Our faith is not just a personal belief but a powerful tool in shaping our children’s worldview.

Courage is the strength of the soul that comes from leaning upon God; trust is the firm belief that God loves your children even more than you do and that he will come to their aid.
~Sebastian Walshe

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The Soil

[A parent set out to sow the philosophical truths of faith in God in their child’s heart]. And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path and was trampled, and the birds of the sky ate it up. Some seed fell on rocky ground, and when it grew, it withered for lack of moisture. Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew with it and choked it. And some seed fell on good soil, and when it grew, it produced fruit a hundredfold.” After saying this, he called out, “Whoever has ears to hear ought to hear.
~St. Luke 8:5-8

This verse from the Gospel of Luke is a parable told by Jesus, illustrating the different ways people receive and respond to the Word of God. It serves as a metaphor for the various ways our children might respond to the philosophical truths of our faith.

Let’s consider that the soil in this parable lays the groundwork (pun intended) for enriching our children’s hearts with the elements necessary for a well-balanced existence. With a holy imagination, we can apply its truth to shaping our adolescents’ expanding environment while nurturing faith and virtue successfully.

What we discover is that amid our adolescents’ questions about their existence, some fascinating, even disturbing, explorations emerge that could be likened to the intrusion of the birds of the air, the rocks and the thorns. Experimentation with self-expression and alternative worldviews is natural and often necessary for their development, but they don’t necessarily take root.

Their developing psyche can make them somewhat thorny for a while, as they become acute detectors of phoniness and hypocrisy on the one hand, yet remain clueless about their own choices and behaviors on the other. We can witness in their lives what St. James describes in his epistle, “The one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed about by the wind” (1:6). It can be quite a ride for the entire family! And just when you are ready to send them back to the cabbage patch, the tide shifts!

Believe it or not, these years can transform into some of the best years of raising children, depending on how we respond. Consider educating yourself now so that when your adolescent begins to question and doubt the philosophical foundation of Catholicism, you are prepared to guide them through these years. (See resource box)

Propagation

A combination of physical, chemical and biological factors determines soil fertility; without a balance between them, it’s nearly impossible for plants to thrive. It’s a science that, in most cases, requires constant attention if one hopes to yield a bountiful harvest. If the delicious tomato that grows in that soil asks the farmer, “Why am I here and Why am I a tomato?” The farmer answers, “Because the seed you were created to be was a tomato, and you had fertile soil to exist in.” Tomatoes never ask existential questions, but our adolescents do. How will we answer them?

When God commanded us to acknowledge him as God above all gods and to love and serve him with our heart, mind and strength (Dt 6:4-5), he was laying down the formula for yielding an abundant life. He went on to tell us how faithful devotion (religion) to him is worked out in the life of the home, which is often referred to as the “domestic church,” a term that emphasizes the importance of the family in nurturing and passing on the faith.

Take to heart these words which I command you today. Keep repeating them to your children. Recite them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you get up. Bind them on your arm as a sign and let them be as a pendant on your forehead. Write them on the doorposts of your houses and on your gates.
~Deuteronomy 6:6-9

A religious belief system doesn’t simply rub off on children; it is absorbed through habitual reverence for God in the nitty gritty of daily life. By doing so, we integrate it into our children’s lives as the definition of their existence that forms the answer to the existential questions they will eventually have.

Religion

Man is by nature and vocation a religious being.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states that we are, “by nature and vocation, a religious being. Coming from God, going toward God, man lives a fully human life only if he freely lives by his bond with God” (CCC 44). If our Catholic religion isn’t organic to our existence, if we don’t reverence God as the Alpha and Omega of our existence, we won’t be motivated to keep our bond with him, and the soil of our environment won’t be fertile. It’s simply not enough to take our children to Mass every week. Too many of us relegate worship of God to a box to be ticked, even an optional activity among the many lesser choices in life. Children then catch on that worshipping God is something you do rather than something you are. The effect of this is evidenced when they reach the age of reason.

Tom asks his parents, “Why are we Catholic? What’s the point of going to Mass? Why do I have to go to confession?” The parent is on the hot seat, and if they haven’t answered those questions for themselves, it’s even hotter! For instance, if the parent answers, “That’s just what we do,” or “Ask Father so-and-so about that,” Tom is less likely to turn to God to answer his existential questions because the primary voices in his life haven’t prioritized the integrity of belief with an evidential lifestyle.

When St. Paul reasoned with the Epicurean and Stoic philosophers in Athens, he challenged their misguided religiosity toward multiple gods by teaching them about the one True God. He summed up the religious response of Christianity by saying, “In him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:16-34). We can take his counsel, reverencing the Lord as the cause of our existence; we are providing the nutrients and structure of a well-ordered life, along with a strong self-identity that grows from that reverence and love for God.

Friends, just as a seed needs rich soil to thrive, our adolescents need a rich environment of beatitude (supreme blessedness) in our homes that nourishes their souls and psyches, enabling them to mature as human beings through these years of experimentation. When we actively guide our adolescents in establishing the philosophy of life contained in the Christian faith, we are forming the fertile soil to cultivate a stable self-identity.

Resources

YOUCAT (Youth Catechism of the Catholic Church) is a popular choice for catechesis. Available through Ignatius Press.

“Catholic Apologetics” is an online course from Seton Home Study that presents reasoned arguments to explain and justify the beliefs and moral code of the Catholic Church. You can find more information on signing up for the course at http://www.setonhome.org.

“Beginning Apologetics” and “Evidence for Catholic Moral Teaching” from Catholic Answers online courses. You can find more information at http://www.schoolofapologetics.com.

~I am a freelance writer. This post first appeared in a periodical.

Young people have enough energy to climb tall mountains of faith, hope, and love. If all we offer them are little molehills, they’ll simply go elsewhere for their challenges!
~Paul Lauer

We now examine the last of the Eight Beatitudes, which refers to the blessing of standing firm in the face of opposition to the faith. But before we can address the inevitability of adversity, even persecution, in living a godly and virtuous life, we need to consider ways to nurture a steady and unwavering faith in our children that grows with them, enabling them to tackle life’s twists and turns with unshakable resolve. As journalist Paul Lauer puts it, young people are up to climbing tall mountains as long as they have a purpose larger than existing on a molehill of mediocrity. Our role is to teach them to be secure in who they are, their beliefs, and the world around them, so they know how to climb the right mountains.

It is normal to assume that our children will embrace our religious identity as their own; that is our prayer, right? Still, existential questions that demand answers will inevitably fill their minds when they reach adolescence and adulthood. It is natural for them to question why they are doing what the family has determined they should do. Why do we go to Mass? Why are we Christian? Why do we honor the Lord’s Day? Why don’t we take the Lord’s name in vain? Why is sexual purity essential? Etc. We can guide children in righteousness, but if they have not formed a strong faith identity, they may not be convinced that standing firm for their Christian beliefs in the face of opposition is the right choice.

Integrating human development with spiritual development is hard work! The classic error we make as parents is overlooking our children’s doubts about their emotional or spiritual identity. They will undoubtedly try to find answers elsewhere if we shut down their existential questioning. Answers like, “That’s just what we do” and “It’s just the way it is” are inadequate for children as they develop a mind of their own. We need to be on our toes!

We must guard against punting our children’s doubts to the priest or the catechists, rather than taking the time and effort to help them find their answers. However, spoon-feeding them pat answers that we even have doubts about can force them into outright rebellion. I was 12 years old when I asked my father why we were Christian for the first time. His answer was inadequate: “Don’t ask that, just be glad we are.” That wasn’t what I needed to hear from him at that time. I needed a parent who was open to my doubts and willing to help me answer them.

On the other hand, allowing children to figure life out on their own isn’t a reliable option, since it puts them in the precarious position of bowing to peer and cultural beliefs that counter the abundant life the Lord promises. Active examination and discovery are always the best way to learn. As children mature, we can partner with them to examine life’s big questions from a biblical worldview and discover the best path for their unique personalities together as we answer their questions.

To best be prepared for our expanding task as parent-mentor, a bit of self-examination is necessary: Am I the primary influence in my child’s life? Do I prioritize my child’s emotional and spiritual development? Does my child witness a stable faith identity in me? Does she witness vibrance in my faith and understanding of God’s will for my life? Is our family spiritually engaged? Does our faith in God make a difference in how we order our lives? Does my child know beyond a shadow of doubt that I love and accept them for who they are? How can I improve? What can I do better? When we are open to self-examination, our children are influenced by our strong witness of faith and virtue.

There comes a time in our children’s lives that they ask the big questions about life, faith and existence. In upcoming blogs, we will explore improving our serve as parents of maturing children. Coupled with our fervent prayer for our children, we place ourselves in God’s hands as instruments in God’s sovereignty over our children’s lives. By this, we unite with the Lord to form saints for his glory and their blessing.

He totally emptied himself and did not allow himself to be concerned with
things he knew would never satisfy him. He knew in whose image he had
been made, of what greatness he was capable. ~St. Bernard of Clairvaux
(A comment on teenager St. Pancras and other young martyrs in the fourth century)

Know Thyself

Adolescence is a period of experimenting with unique ways to differentiate oneself from others. It is also the beginning of forming an independent identity apart from parental influence. It is healthy and normal for our children to question, even doubt, some of the beliefs we have tried to instill in them; knowing what we believe and why we believe demands examination. When Socrates instructed, “Know thyself,” he understood the necessity of self-awareness to navigate society, especially a society that forms truth by consensus rather than objective truth. When and how do we successfully prepare our children for this phase of their lives? We begin in early childhood.

It works this way: As we allow our children to experience the effects of disobedience and life’s adversities under our guidance, they become stronger humans. Jenny has been told not to touch the burner, but until she knows from experience that the stove burner is often too hot to touch, she won’t be as cautious near a stove. As hard as it is, we need to allow Jenny the experience of being burned. As Jenny matures, we have told her that lying is a sin against God and others, but until she experiences the effect of lying, she won’t be careful to always speak the truth. It’s up to us to help Jenny face the consequences of sin and hold her accountable for her actions.

As Jenny’s life experiences expand, she starts questioning the Christian worldview, but until other worldviews confront her, she won’t learn how to own and kindly defend her Christian worldview. If Jenny were a bird in the nest, this is where Jenny must learn to fly! And we must be the ones to teach her.

When Jesus told us we are blessed when we are persecuted and reviled, he showed us that life is hard when you don’t live like the majority around you, but it is hard for a reason: the blessing of fortitude and courage. Just as friction is necessary for fire, relational friction is essential for character building.

Jenny the bird needs to face the friction of fear of failure, the adversity of the wind, and the law of gravity before she can be blessed in being what she was created to be. Jenny, the adolescent, needs to face the friction of rejection by others and the adversity of revilement from others so as not to crash and burn in her faith in God. She is blessed with the reward of strong character, which the Lord promises through resilience in the face of opposition.

In subsequent blogs, we will discover ways to unite Jenny’s self-identity with her God-given identity. In the meantime, we have a worksheet to prepare your mind for assisting Jenny as she matures.

Parents, our children must find their way in the world, and we want them to work it through so that their life, faith and journey come from a place of authenticity guided by the Holy Spirit and rooted in truth. It’s rarely a straight line. However, the Holy Spirit’s grace goes before us, walks with us, and follows us always as we faithfully try to raise godly and virtuous children.

~I am a freelance writer. This post first appeared in a periodical.